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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, ... Stackers' Lounge forum

  1. #31
    Specs's Avatar
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

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    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into Town and into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Parking Attendant writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

    So my wife called him a tish-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

  2. #32
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    Smile Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Quote Originally Posted by Specs View Post
    First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. 'Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid..

    Thats freaking halarious!!!!!!
    THBASSMAN

    Carpe Diem!!

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    My TORCH Rocks!

  3. #33
    Justyn's Avatar
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    A young man was walking down the beach and sees a golden lamp wash ashore. Taking the lamp he brushes the sand off to clean it and a genie pops out.

    Genie: Congradulations for finding my lamp. You get 1 one wish, chose wisely!

    Man; Okay, I've never been to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly, I would like a road connecting from this very spot that travels all the way to Hawaii!!!

    Genie: What are you crazy? A road from here to Hawaii would take several pillars to hold it up connecting to the ocean floors. Those pillars would disrupt the flow of currents and cause massive flooding all throughout the world, millions of people will die on top of wildlife and vegetation. On top of that massive Tsunami's will swallow the whole Pacific Coast of Asia. I do not want to be held reposible for that, choose another wish!

    Man; Um... okay. In that case I would like to have the ability to understand women. To understand their moods, their emotions, their thought process, everything!

    Genie: Do you want 3 lanes or 4?
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

  4. #34
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] TEXT[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif][/FONT][/FONT]
    A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
    "I"ll only marry you under three conditions."

    "Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

    "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

    Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

    The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

    "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy."

    The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

    The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

    "Finally," she said. "I"ll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

    A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

  5. #35
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    A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

  6. #36
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    This guy was lonely and so he decided life wouldbe more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (a bug with 100 legs), which came in a little white box.He took the box home, found a good location it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

    YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

    A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!
    This is my Blackberry. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Without me my Blackberry is useless. Without my Blackberry I am useless.

    BDG51@vzw.blackberry.net
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  7. #37
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    Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

    7. "I wasn`t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

    4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    3. "The coffee machine is broken."

    2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

    1. " ... in God`s name, Amen."

  8. #38
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    To find out who is REALLY mans best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

    When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

  9. #39
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    What did the egg say to the boiling water?


    It's gonna take me a while to get hard cause I just got laid last night.


    hehe
    Like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
    Your eyes they penetrate me,
    (Your answer's always 'maybe')
    That's when I got up and left.

  10. #40
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    Boobie! ....
    If I knew where I was going, I might already be there. -- Cross Canadian Ragweed.

  11. #41
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    how do you make holy water?

    put water in a pot on the stove and boil the HELL out of it!

    hehe, lame but i laughed

  12. #42
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    What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

    "Wow, we really DO taste like chicken..."
    If I knew where I was going, I might already be there. -- Cross Canadian Ragweed.

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