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Bar joke: A man walks into a bar with his dog, approaches the bartender, and ... Stackers' Lounge forum

  1. #16
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

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    Bar joke:

    A man walks into a bar with his dog, approaches the bartender, and orders a beer. The bartender tells him "You can't bring that dog in here." The man tell the bartender "I'm blind, this is my Seeing- Eye- Dog. Do you refuse service to all blind people with Seeing- Eye- Dogs?"

    The bartender feels bad and says "OKay he can stay, I'm sorry sir. First beer's on the house." The man takes his beer to a dark spot near the entrance and sits down to drink his beer.

    Another man enters the bar with a poodle. The first man sees him and says "They won't serve you if you bring in a dog, but if you tell them you're blind and that's your seeing eye dog the bartender will feel bad and give you a free beer." The other man says "thanks bro!"

    The man with the poodle approaches the bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him "You can't come in here with a dog!" The man tells the bartender he is blind and the dog is a Seeing- Eye - Dog. The bartender says "Look pal, does it look like I was born yesterday?! They don't make poodles for seeing eye dogs!!!'

    Without missing a beat the man says "You mean those f***ers gave me a poodle!"
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Texas Bar Joke.

    A blind man from LA decides he wants to visit Dallas Texas, and buys a coach class ticket on a Texas Airliner.

    While boarding the plain, he uses his hands to count the seats to find which one is his. While feeling the seats he exclaimes "Wow these seats are big!" The stewardess walking by tell him "Everything is bigger in Texas."

    On the flight the same stewardess walks by to take everyone's food order, giving the option of gafilta fish or steak. The blind man chooses the steak. When he receives it he feels it with his hand and exclaims "Wow this steak is big!" The stewardess replies "Yes sir, everything is bigger in Texas!"

    The flight lands and he leaves the airport with his luggage and a friendly native helps him hail a taxi. The the blind man get in and exclaims "These seats are huge!" The driver says "Yes sir, everything in Texas is bigger." The blind man gets thirsty and asks to be taken to a bar.

    The man orders a beer on tap at the bar. The bartender gives him a stine of beer and the blindman exclaims "This mug is huge!" The bartender says "Yes sir, everything's bigger in Texas!" The bind man says "So I've heard!"

    After a couple drinks the blind man has to drain the lizard, and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender tell him "Second door on the left." the blind man taps his cain down the hall, trips, and misses count, entering the 3rd door instead. The blind man mistakingly walks straight into the indoor swimming pool, falling in! He starts thrashing about and yells as loud as he could "NO ONE FLUSH THE TOILET!!!"
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Four women are standing in line of a confessional at a Catholic church. The first woman walks in to confess to the priest.

    Woman: Forgive me father for I have sinned. Last night at my friend's bachelorette party I saw a man's private parts.

    Priest: Okay, go to the holy water dish and wash your eyes out with holy water.

    The woman passes by the others and proceeds to wash her eyes out with holy water.

    Woman 2: Forgive me father for I have sinned. Last night at my friend's bachelorette party I touched a man's private parts.

    Priest: Okay, go to the holy water dish and wash your hands with holy water.

    The woman passes by the others and proceeds to wash her hand with holy water.

    The woman in the back of the line figures out the pattern and taps her friend in front of her on the shoulder and asks if she can go next and not last. Her friend asks her why. She repsonds, "So I don't have to gargle holy water that you've already stuck your big @$$ in!!!
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    I've posted this one before on here somwhere but what the hell:

    A baby seal walks into a club....






  5. #20
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~My friend texted me this this morning:

    How to impress a woman-compliment her,kiss her,love her,protect her,listen 2 her, support her. How to impress a man,show up naked with beer.

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    (hopefully this isn't too bad for this forum)

    Q: What does a 9 volt battery and a girls (_*_) have in common?
    A: You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.




  7. #22
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    you are SOOO bad cwax (I love it )
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  8. #23
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    The joke I'd assume.

    Quote Originally Posted by monica.simons View Post
    you are SOOO bad cwax (I love it )

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Driving on ice is like having sex doggie style. One slip and you can really F up someone's rear end. Please drive carefully...




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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. 'Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid..

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Quote Originally Posted by Specs View Post
    First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. 'Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid..
    LMAO!!!!

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:


    GUTS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, being met on the doorstep by your wife, with a broom in her hands, and having the guts to ask: " Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ? "


    BALLS - is coming home after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the ssa and having the balls to say: "Right fatty, you're next."


    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome, since both are likely to result in death.

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

    She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

    The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

    As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

    She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

    Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

    It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
    The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead. What'd you buy?'

  14. #29
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    LMAO......shopping day every day! wOOT
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    I've heard a simliar one but has nothing to do with shopping, sorry Monica...

    A man and wife have been living very comfortably in their house, and invite the wife's mom to stay with them for a few days. The wife decides to go out to run some erands and leaves her husband at home with his mother in law. After an hour or so the mother in law has a massive stroke and the man calls 911 and she is rushed to the hospital. The man attempts several times to contact his wife but it keeps going straight to voicemail.

    The doctor comes out an hour later and says, "Well she'll live, but there's some huge reprocusions."
    "What?" The man asks.

    "Well she will remain in a vegetative state, leaving her bed ridden and in your hands. You must be feed, bathe, and clothe her on a regular basis!"

    "Oh man!"

    "And she's been rendered incontinent so she needs to where Depends and you need to change her on a regular basis."

    "Oh man!"

    "On top of that she's making loud, painful noises for the last 15 minutes, we don't know when it will end... it might never end."

    "That's terrible."

    "Nah I'm f****ing with you, she died a minute ago!"
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

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