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Hear any good jokes lately? Post 'em here. Here's one that had me rolling, not ... Stackers' Lounge forum

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    Justyn's Avatar
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    Stop me if you heard it...

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    Hear any good jokes lately? Post 'em here. Here's one that had me rolling, not too many people get it though...

    A farmer has 3 daughters who are all old enough to start dating. They all manage to get a date on the same night.

    The farmer answers the door, " Hi I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?

    The farmer answer's "she ain't ready."

    The farmer answers the door a second time and it's another boy, "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show is she ready to go?"

    The farmer answer's "she ain't ready."
    The farmer answers a 3rd time and it's the 3rd boy, "Hi I'm Chuck!"

    The farmer shoots Chuck!!!
    It's not an iPhone addiction, it's insomnia!

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Haha! What rhymes with chuck? Hmmmm! Lol

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    A story for you...

    Dear friends,



    It's important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.



    When you begin to notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.



    Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Amy.



    When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Amy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.



    I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.



    I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not a practicable alternative. Besides, I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.



    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that "they won't clean themselves." I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.



    Another symptom of aging, I think, is complaining. For example, she'll say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys... we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my stronger points.



    And when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. For instance, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me.



    I know, I know..... I probably look like a saint by the way I support Amy.



    I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.



    However guys, even if you just start using a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife due to this article, I'll consider that by writing it, it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Good luck.



    Signed,
    Bill




    EDITOR'S NOTE:



    Bill died suddenly on April 15 of a perforated rectum.



    The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
    Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
    inches of grip left showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.



    His wife Amy was arrested and charged with murder.



    The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty.



    They accepted her defense that Bill, somehow, without looking,
    accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    LMAO at that last one....waaaaaaaaaaaay to funny
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
    She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
    probably had a hot daughter.
    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
    ever had a Sportsman's Double.
    'What's that?' I asked
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
    I said, 'No' - excitedly.
    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
    I went back to her place.
    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    A Confederate soldier was given the job of supplying his regiment with food. So to help him, he hired an Indian scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find some buffalo.

    After riding for hours, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says, "Hmm...buffalo come."

    The soldier looks all around but sees nothing. A little confused, he says to the Indian, "I don’t see anything, how do you know buffalo come"?

    The Indian replies, "Leaf stuck to ear!"

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~
    An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    The Punishment

    Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

    First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.

    The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

    It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

    The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved."


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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Super Bar Joke

    So two men are drinking at a bar at the top of the empire state building, when one turns to the other and says:

    "You know last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

    The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

    2nd Man: "What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen

    1st Man:" No, it's true let me prove it to you"

    So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below, when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. And he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

    The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke"

    1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

    Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

    2nd Man: "Well, what the hell,,it works. I'll try it"

    So he jumps over the balcony,plunges downward passes
    the 11th,
    10th,
    9th,
    8th.....floors...
    and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

    Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

    "You know, Superman, you're a real azzhole when you're drunk."


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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    A man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into a psychiatrist's office seeking help. The doctor upon seeing the man said "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, some1 said 2 thmslvs "U knw, I really want 2 set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close engh to get the job done".

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Two Irish guys, Joe and Pat, where on a boat at sea that started to sink. They found a life boat and launched it. They where the only one to make it off the boat. They started going through the items in the boat and Joe found a lamp. He started rubbing it hoping it was a magic one. And then suddenly a genie appeared. “You can have only 1 wish” the Genie said.Joe thought for a minute and said “Turn all the sea in to Guinness” The Genie granted his wish. Pat stared at Joe for 5 minutes without saying anything. Finally he spoke

    Well done Joe, now we have to piss in the boat

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~

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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    a guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying perfume all over them. His curiosity gets the ebtter of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

    "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer."
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    The Funeral


    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
    A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
    Following the eulogy,the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
    With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.

    The proctologist fainted.
    ~Blu~




    Blukrystlz@pinstack.com


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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    ^^LMAO....WTH would they do with me??? (what do you do with an ambulance)
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    Re: Stop me if you heard it...

    Quote Originally Posted by monica.simons View Post
    ^^LMAO....WTH would they do with me??? (what do you do with an ambulance)
    ummmm....i dunno

    lol
    ~Blu~




    Blukrystlz@pinstack.com


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