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So I have a complicated story for you folks tonite in the cafe. I am ... Stackers' Lounge forum

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    j llama's Avatar
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    Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

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    So I have a complicated story for you folks tonite in the cafe. I am not authorizing any of this to be posted elsewhere or mentioned anywhere else except for this thread only.

    So we begin. I have been with my girlfriend (we'll call her Yelhsa, for conversation sakes) for two years come August 29th (also Judgement Day from T2!). We have hit a major hurdle in our relationship. I was recently terminated from my job and this caused alot grief as it was hard for me to find another job. Neither of us make 6 figures or anything, to be honest, we scrape by like alot of the country. I'm 27, she's 23. I have lived with guy roomates, girl roomates, girlfriends, by myself for a year, in a car for a week, and 20,000 leagues under the sea. My girlfriend has lived with her parents for most of her life, and now with me for two years.

    So we jump to the current. After being without a job for 3 weeks ( i have a job now!), she now no longer wants to live with me. This is something she has mentioned briefly before, however since losing my job at almost the exact end of our lease makes it quite convienent for her side I guess. She still loves me and wants to be with me, however she wants to strike out and make it on her own she says to see if she can do it. She says she needs this for herself and so forth.

    Here's where it gets tricky my fellow stackers. I found out the hard way. We have always both been 100% honest with each other, until after I lost my job. I caught her in a few white lies that weren't a big deal except she lied to me. It was a first and I figured I'd let it slide no big deal. A week or so later a new one, I come to find out today she has signed a notice to vacate our premise in 30 days and has been looking for other apartments. She signed this a week ago and didn't tell me. I knew something was up ( she is a horrible liar and smiles when she does it......dead give away(in her case at least)).

    So.....Yes she wants to still be with me she says , but my trust for her has been totally shattered. Its funny since our furniture is basically split down the middle. ( I own the king size bed, she owns the couch etc...)

    She is dead set on us getting two seperate places but continuing the relationship. She says she wants to know she can make it on her own before going down the next possible path of the "M" word and stuff. At this point I'm not sure where to go from her. I really really dislike the fact that she was dishonest with me, especially about our apartment. At the same time I love her and want to be with her.

    Fellow stackers, I ask for your thoughts on the matter.........
    BlackBerry® Certified Support Specialist

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    gazar's Avatar
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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    Sorry to say My opinion would be to end the relationship. Her moving out is surely a backword step and if a relationship is not going forward then its pretty much doomed !!

    All this I want to go and find my independance is BS. If you BOTH dont want to be together as much as possible then the relationship becomes a bit one sided.

    I think you would be better off ending it and not wasting time on a lost cause !!

    I apologize for bieng a bit cynical but, all the danger signs and warning flags seem to there !!


    Gaz.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    Hey j llama....well it doesn't sound too good from what I have read. Her being dishonest with you raises a big red flag for me. Who knows what else she could be hiding? Not to make your mind start spinning or anything, but my advice would be to follow your best instints on this one. You are young and have a lot of time to find someone who will be with you 100% for the big step to marriage when you are ready.
    I know love hurts big time. It's never easy. It can be the best thing in the world and it can suck so bad at the same time so I'm right there with you as I've been there and done that myself.
    All I can say is....let her go. Let her do what she feels she needs to do
    and take care of yourself and your own things. Don't hold out hoping that it will work out
    because it sounds like there is more to it than what she is telling you.
    Maybe I'm wrong.
    But if you just pull back and let it be, it will be for the best and will more than likely turn out in your favor.

    good luck and hang in there....

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~

    Wow this is a tough situation, sorry to hear about this drama.

    Here's my two cents. I'm big on communication and if you haven't already done so, I'd sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel and how her lying has comprimised your trust in her. See what she has to say about it and whether her reasons seem at all believable.

    I don't however fully agree with other posters assessment that her wanting to be on her own at 23 to be bs. There is a difference between where my head was at 23 and where it was at 27. I was ready for marriage or living with my boyfriend but at 23 I was starting to want to flex my independence and take on more fun material possessions, and prove to my parents and myself that I could make it on my own. Now that in no way excuses her lying and going about this in the manner she has, she should never have signed that form without telling you. But its not unheard of for a woman or a man to feel like they need to know they can make it on their own.

    But if you talk to her and tell her how you feel and you're just not buying her answers and actions, then make a clean break. If she seems sincere and is honestly sorry for lying and recognizes she should always be up front with you, then give her the space she needs and take time for yourself too.

    Its hard to accurately judge a situation when you can't see how 2 people interact with each other. But in any situation honest communication is the best thing.

    Good luck!!

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    First of all... I just gotta say this... there is no white lies... a lie is a lie... just like there is no white collar crime, a crime is a crime... As soon as we all realize that then this world will be better off.

    Onto your situation...

    Easy one actually. Let her go.

    You're 27, she's 23... I just made 26 on 7/26... Anyway. Everyone has to come of age. Rite of Passage growing up whatever you wanna call it. Everyone has to make their own choice. Now, you being older and having lived life, seen the ups and downs... You see settle down... You see 30 years old coming... You see the picket fence rockin grandkids on your knee...

    Now, she see's exploration... She see's 25, drop in car insurance... She see's the chance to "make it" whatever that means.

    You can tell her you love her, and vice versa... Bottom line is life happens in stages. Its very predictable... But the ability to change, and go a different route is what makes life great. I think it's something like you can take the horse to water but can't make it drink...

    Everyone has to go thru life and has to figure it out on their own... Life's a bitch depending on how you treat her.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    I'll spare you the old phrase about setting the bird free and if it comes back to you, etc. etc but unfortunately their is truth in it. For what ever reason she is making some changes, while it hurts now, move on and see what happens. Having just entered forty I remember my twenties as time of exploration. Being on her own may help the two of you to grow, it may also provide you insight that you didn't have while you lived together. As an author once wrote, life is difficult.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    I'm not gonna be as eloquent as the others, nor am I gonna really try, but I will say you should let her go. If later on down the line you two meet up again and are still feeling each other, then go get your happiness. Other than that, go forth and be free.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    dude i am sorry this is happening to you , all i can say is that is better now than go thru the marriage and realize 10 years from now that it didnt work out , let her go , if she comes back to you then it was meant to be for the two of you , I will hurt because for what i see you care about her alot and u dont see her as just another girlfriend. think possitive , give time time and let things unfold as they come .. get drunk go out and move on my fellow crackberry addict ...

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    There isn't a right answer here. Either way you're going to be hurt and/or unhappy. Just thank God you don't have kids. Give Turbo a pat on the head and see what he thinks. Let us know if we can help. Sorry the sith has hit the fan for you too.
    The above commentary is for entertainment purposes only. If this was actual joke the tone you just heard would have been followed by emergency response information. It's supposed to be fun people.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    okay, i feel for ya, i really do. i am in a tough situation too. i am married and my wife, as i have found out, doesnt truly love me. she pittied me and thats why she dated me, then she strung me along, knowing i thought i couldnt do better till i married her, and now i am miserable, and trying to get things situated so i can file for a divorce, i am only 23 been married a year. it isnt good to keep in a relationship that you cant trust the person. like jbjackson3004 said, lie is a lie. period, if you cant trust her, its already over, you are just pushin a broken car up hill my friend, it will fall back on you, so just get out of the way now. my wife decided that i was cheating on her when i told her that there was a problem with our relationship, and now i dont trust her, not if that is her conclusion, and i cant stand to sleep next to her because of it. dont let yourself get eaten up by the pain, do what is right for you. if you live your life worring about making her happy, then you will end up becomeing something you are not. and that is no way to live man, no way at all.

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    LaTuFu's Avatar
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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    My gut feeling is that she lied to you because she just didn't want to hurt your feelings any more than she had to. Let her go. Trying desperately to hang on to her will only push her away faster. Like the rest have said.

    If she really wants to be with you, and the relationship is worth keeping, she'll be back. If not, its better that you find out now.

    In the meantime, yeah, its not going to feel very good. Thats one reason why its called a break up instead of a tickle fight.
    If I knew where I was going, I might already be there. -- Cross Canadian Ragweed.

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    i agree with LTF...100%

    and games will not get your anywhere...

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    Thank you everyone for the kind words. I do appreciate. In the words of Synik...Yes the Sith has hit the fan. She will be taking Turbo our (her) dog with her as well.
    I'm still just not sure where to go from here. Honesty is honest regardless of how big or small a lie is in my opinion. She lied small, then hid from me a notice to vacate our premise. Things are goofy right now. We also have friends who were a couple that lived together and just broke up. They continued living together for two months until their lease expired. They were both miserable. But, that besides what I have going on now. The dishonesty is a hard thing for me to deal with especially since she wants her own place. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I have dated many women, I was even engaged for a year and a half. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea if you will, so I don't know. I guess I will just wait and see from here. With a keen eye on her and a keen eye for my own future with or without her I guess.
    Thank you all again. Plenty of words I needed to hear
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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    Godspeed my brother !!!

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    Re: Love hurts......(please give me your feedback)

    End the relationship and be friends; be a gentleman about the whole thing; she's young and probably gets influenced about the whole situation. Live your life son; there are alot of chix out there...
    holla atcha boy

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