Fact 1: You are reading this.Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.Fact 3: You just tried it. Fact 4: You're smiling. Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again. Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5. Fact 8: You just checked it. Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Police: where do u live?Me: with my parentsPolice: where does ur parents live?Me: with mePolice: where do u all live?Me: togetherPolice: where is ur house?Me: next to my neighbors housePolice: where is your neighbors house?Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.Police: tell meMe: next to my house.
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
1. Catch a fly. 2. Put it in the freezer. 3. Wait 10 minutes. 4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead. 5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string. 6. Tie it around the fly. 7. Wait till it wakes up. BAM! Your very own pet fly
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.Love, your son, Joshua.P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
Rog and his very long time friends Glenn, Craig, Jay, Dave and I (that´s me Del, just so you can´t say I´m not involved), have over the years taken a "sabbatical" of a few days, and together with our lovely wives, disappeared into the mountains for a little use of our well oiled rifles and hand guns. Hunting! I´ll stress the point, hunting. The beer, the steaks, the tents and all the parephernalia we took with was of no consequence, really. Ok, the beer was the exception.
Just like the wives that came along so they could just have some afternoon tea and catch up on all the news without relying on their fandangled Facebook profiles.
On a particular year we all arrived at Rog´s house for some planning and logistics when we all were confronted with the fact the Rog´s wife had just sprained her foot and hurt it quite badly. That fact would obviously put the the Grosser family out of this holiday, much to our disappointment, and Rog too. He was totally flattened by the fact that this one year, the Grossers couldn´t join the party.
Leaving them with their total discontent, we all left for the mountains the next day.
And that first day was wonderful. Camped in the wild, the usual place always, amongst the connifers and water streams. The whole bunch of us didin´t waste time in setting up camp and, in the afternoon we still had time to scout the area and make plans for the next day. The weather was wonderful. The ideal conditions were set for a wonderful few days. And we couldn´t but feel sorry for not having the Grossers with us. And for us guys, the absence of Rog was a hard fact we had to live with. Poor guy.
Returning to camp, late in the afternoon we were all flabbergasted. Surprise doesn´t describe our astounded faces.
There was Rog! Lounging at our camp-site. He had his tent up, he had started a fire and already set up the barbecue. The steaks were perfectly marinated. Wow!
"And Rog?" we all exclaimed. "What the heck are you doing here? And the wife?"
He grimaced a little, somehow letting us know he was a bit uneasy. And he went on to tell us his story.
"Guys, it´s like this. After you left, the wife kinda started acting a little strange. But I didn´t take too much notice of it. I played it down. That hurt ankle or foot, whatever must have really spun her mind. But early this morning while I was having my cereal, she gets up from bed, does her usual morning thing and then dances into the kitchen with the scantiest underwear."
At this moment Rog looks up at us to make sure we´re listening.
" And a very sexy outfit too, I must say" he carried on. "She took hold of my hand, firmly, and dragged me back into the bedroom. damn, I thought, whassup?"
At this point he shuffled a little in the chair, paused for a while just to make sure we were all taking this in. And I tell you, we all were.
He tipped his hat back on his head. "Guys, I tell ya. I never seen anything like this in my entire life. The room was filled with liitle candles, mid sized and big ones, all lit. There was a peculiar smell in the air, some scent or other which I cannot fathom what it is. I started getting the message right there. Oh boy!"
"And dang, she had raided my garage and there, on the bed were chains, belts and I dunno what more."
Ok, he got our attention. That´s for sure.
At this time Rog got up from the chair, pulled up his pants a little, and filled his chest. And he started to breath out slowly.
"She said, honey, tie me up. Wrists, feet to the bed posts. I even had to put a leather belt around her neck. Hand dang I had to do it. She acted toatally weird."
Ok, we all were quite sure we didn´t want to hear the rest of the story. But Rog insited. His direct look into all our eyes warned us that he hadn´t quite finished.
"And then she said, honey, baby, now you can do whatever you like."
"And so, here I am!"
hey!, I finally got it! I understand the joke now. good one Dell
sorry it took a LITTLE long, I've never been in a relationship before.
here's a good one, "i" think. tell me if you like it.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
I always see this pop up but never read it for it is meant for the brothers Del and Cooley.
it's ment for everyone cats (you included), if I could I'd change the name of the thread to say "joke thread" or something. or I could create a new thread with the exact same jokes I would but I don't have admin rights to change the name of this thread.
as you can see cats this thread was started when Cooley gave up smoking and I remember del struggled with something, can't remember what but if it bothers you cats I'll create a new thread with the identical posts.
buy the way the very first joke, "letter to the bank" is in my opinion the best joke in this thread. have a,look at that one, you WILL laugh.