Found it on the net...good hey ?
Letter to the Bank.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer,of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2004, taking as my model the procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you
will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such anenvelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it can not be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answeredby an
.Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;(Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the callis received.)
6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.
8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options1 through 9
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
of Woody Guthrie:""Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners
sweated for."After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, financial year.
Your humble client,
Last edited by KTW; 05-08-2012 at 11:42 PM.
Found it on the net...good hey ?
Here's another good one
Recently I was honored to be selected
as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
my Community, to be a judge at a Chilli
cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges
that the Chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an
internet writer and therefore known
and adored by all. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
Judge One: A little too heavy on
tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato
flavour Very mild.
Frank: Great smokes!, what is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a
hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of
children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tattoo under her
eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
the Barn Chilli
Judge One: Excellent firehouse Chilli!
Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless Chilli, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call
the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could
make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally." Probably behind her back they
call her "Forklift."
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean Chilli with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black
beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a Chilli.
Frank: I felt something scraping across
my tongue but was unable to taste it.
Sally was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
over to see her. When she winked at me
her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...
it's kinda cute.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong Chilli.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chilli using shredded beef;
could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I belched and
four people in front of me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her Chilli had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that
one of the other judges asked me to
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety Chilli. Good balance of spice and
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use
of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. I asked if she wants to go
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
Judge One: A mediocre Chilli with too
much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef threw in canned Chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a hand grenade in
my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in
one eye and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with Chilli which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth at some point. Good,
at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was
not there to conceive them. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in
through the hole in my stomach. Call
the X-Files people and tell them I've
found a super nova on my tongue.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
Judge One: This final entry is a good,
balanced Chilli, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the Chilli pot on top of himself.
Judge Two: A perfect ending, this is a
nice blend Chilli, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its
Last edited by KTW; 05-08-2012 at 03:59 PM.
Ok I'm out
What you guys got ?
This one ain't as good but its still humorous
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all his money called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the material used to make thay little indestructible black box?
They're good KTW keep them coming...
This one I heard...its good
Please if you are American then please do not take offence.
what I here this took place in 2004 I think, I'm not sure if its true but anyway.
Now there was this American aircraft carrier in some watter space some where and they were traveling and traveling and suddenly noticed a blimp on their radar, so they radio the blimp and say to it "this is the American aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly (cant remember name but anyway) start your engines and move out our way" no response...so they call the deck manager and he says the same but no reply...then the junior officer goes on the radio and says the same thing but again no response from the blimp so they call the senior officer, he says the same thing to the blimp and again no reply...so then they bring the warrent officer and he says to the blimp on the radio "you are in our course, start your engines and move off" no reply from the blimp...then the commanding officer says the same thing but yet again no reponce or reply from the blimp on the radar, so taken back he calls the commander and fills him on the details of what's happening with this blimp so the commander radios the blimp and says " this is the American aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly, start your engines and move out our way immediately or we will open fire and sink you" a reply comes back from the blimp "this is a light house"
Here's another I got of the net.
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session
over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got
I spend so much time charging my cellphone that its become a landline.
Got that off the net too.
My lungs can't handle much more of this...got to take a break.
Last edited by KTW; 05-09-2012 at 01:55 PM.
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful, and optimistic. And we will change the world. - Jack Layton (1950-2011)
Blackberry PlayBook 64GB Nokia 1020, Microsoft Surface PRO 2
And another on the net:
I know it's depressing when you look at your payslip and you see how much tax you are paying, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free.
Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”
This one i also heard.
In Australia a man was fixing the gear box on his bike, so to see if the gears were working right he turned the engine on and accelerated a little but unfortunately the bike drove him through a glass door. So his emotional wife called the ambulance and they took him away so she started cleaning up the glass, blood and fuel that was left on the floor and emptied the bucket into the toilet...so after some time the husband was discharged from the hospital and came home...then he used the toilet, and being a smoker he took out the lighter and lit a cigarette...so once he was done with the cigarette he threw it between his legs into the toilet that he was sitting on. And sure enough the toilet that the wife emptied the bucket of blood, glass and petrol into exploded and blasted the poor man right through a door. So the wife contacted the ambulance again and surprisingly it was the same paramedics that came the first time, so they asked her what happend and she told them. They laughed so hard that they dropped the man breaking his ankle...the moral of the story....don't smoke on toilets.
What you think of the banking one ? It's my favorite. What's yours ?
and another one fresh off the net.
Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres
Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
Depth my Ł14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
Cheers Casio, that's a relief