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[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] Just thought I should share with my fellow cafe goers. Hope no one feels ... Stackers' Lounge forum

  1. #31
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    Re: Joke for the day

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    [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Just thought I should share with my fellow cafe goers. Hope no one feels offended:[/FONT]
    [FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]
    [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church office and say[/FONT][FONT=Arial]s[/FONT][FONT=Arial] to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

    The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial]"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

    "I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

    "I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial][/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial]Navenik...[/FONT]

  2. #32
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    Re: Joke for the day

    A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

    ''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

    The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

    ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

    Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

    ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

    ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

    The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

  3. #33
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    Re: Joke for the day

    A little naughty but .... a goodee



    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
    He said, "duck him, give him a dollar."
    The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

  4. #34
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    Re: Joke for the day

    Visual Funnies...............

  5. #35
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    Re: Joke for the day

    The "Texting and Driving" thread reminded me of this one...

    I want to die like my Grandfather did, peacefully while sleeping.

    Not like the passengers in his car, kicking and screaming.
    If I knew where I was going, I might already be there. -- Cross Canadian Ragweed.

  6. #36
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    Re: Joke for the day

    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheer.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender, and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights goes out! Now, how about that drink?"

  7. #37
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    Re: Joke for the day

    [FONT=Arial][FONT='Black Chancery']Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one[/FONT][/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial][FONT='Black Chancery']Remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a[/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']Priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."[/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']The golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I [/FONT][/FONT]
    [FONT=Arial][FONT='Black Chancery']Bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."[/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']Readingthe manual."[/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']Likethey have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such [/FONT]
    [FONT='Black Chancery']Expensefor this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf, and she said, "You'll need a sweater..."[/FONT][/FONT]




    [FONT=Arial] [/FONT]


  8. #38
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    Re: Joke for the day

    [FONT='Courier New']A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
    showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph; enjoying
    the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal
    to the metal even more.

    Looking in the rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
    lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" Thought the elderly nutcase as
    he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

    Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
    nonsense!"

    So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
    to catch up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
    of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

    "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off
    for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
    I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The Man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied. "Years
    ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her
    back".

    "Have a good day, Sir" said the policeman.[/FONT]

  9. #39
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    Re: Joke for the day

    Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?" and the other says "yes it does doesn't it!"

  10. #40
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    Re: Joke for the day

    hamburger and fries walk into a bar and order 2 shots....
    The bartender replies, "we don't serve food here"

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    Re: Joke for the day

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~
    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked."Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit."She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.""Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?""Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

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    Re: Joke for the day

    A guy is out having a few beers with his friends. "I heard your new girlfriend is a dwarf."

    "Yeah, she is."

    "Do you like her?"

    "I'm nuts over her."
    If I knew where I was going, I might already be there. -- Cross Canadian Ragweed.

  13. #43
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    Re: Joke for the day

    An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
    passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

    "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to
    draw three trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks.

    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the
    Italian.

    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the
    same rules, but this time the number is 99."

    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
    that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
    represent 99?"

    "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
    and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
    this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
    represent the number 100."

    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
    again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.
    One hundred."

    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
    represents a hundred!"

    (You're going to love this one!!!)

    The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
    tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you
    gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
    turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
    kre8berry

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