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This is a very technical and advanced explanation of tools. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright ... Stackers' Lounge forum

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    PhxBlue's Avatar
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    Garage Tools Explained.

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    This is a very technical and advanced explanation of tools.

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
    your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
    room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
    the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
    fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
    you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
    is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES:
    Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat
    to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
    fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
    want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
    testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
    ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
    Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic
    jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
    A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
    holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
    sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
    on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
    disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
    A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
    tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
    See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
    the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
    into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
    remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
    divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
    trying to hit, quite often your thumb.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
    your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
    records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and
    rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
    while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT"
    at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  2. #2
    chatster18's Avatar
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    That's hillarious!!!

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~

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    Anela808's Avatar
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    Haha, that is so funny! I have about 15 dammit tools. Hammers in my home are also known as finger-smashers and anything slightly heavy is called a hammer...podagee style!

    ~via BB (wap.pinstack.com)~

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    rickerb69's Avatar
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    Haha!! Niiiiice

  5. #5
    monica.simons's Avatar
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    OMG I laughed me ssa OFF! THat was the funniest thing EVA....I am saving this and forwarding to my family members!!
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