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My girlfriend is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be ... Stackers' Lounge forum

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    SK22BB's Avatar
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    A woman would never do this...

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    My girlfriend is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

    Here goes...

    Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my girlfriend. The occasion was our 3rd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.

    For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!

    Yipeeeeee!

    I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my girlfriend to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?? It seemed reasonable to me at the time...

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water... All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

    Friggin' way --- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head ****ed to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree???) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it... (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight --- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

    HOLY SH*T!!!!!

    I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

    The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

    (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly...)

    SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back...

    Never Touchin' the Taser Again!

  2. #2
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    Re: A woman would never do this...

    I am not even sure i should reply to this let alone how. Best laugh of my day so far. Thanks for the advice.
    ~Tweber78~
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  3. #3
    Tech Idiot's Avatar
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    I am absolutely LMAO right now! My eyes are tearing up!

    This is a classic. Thank you very much for the entertainment and I hope you fully recover, LOL.

    Eric

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    ROTF! Dam buddy!!! Ouch.. i feel your pain

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    Almost like "I wonder what that button does".

    Brilliant,

    Des

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    Hahah thats hilarious! I've always wondered of those things actually hurt.

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    I can not believe you actually did that. AT LEAST you should have video taped it for AFV or something and had a chance at a reward. Wayyyyy too funny!!!
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    I was reading this while trying to stay awake on a conference call. That was the WRONG thing to do. Thank goodness for the mute feature. People were walking by my office asking if everything was okay. I got so tickled I was laughing out loud.

    The picture you painted was off the charts funny. It never crossed my mind that you wouldn't be able to let go! HI-Larious.


  9. #9
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    OMG, that was hilarious. I can't stop laughing. This definately tickles my fancy.
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    lmao my boss caught me at work and asked what was so funny and i had her read it.... lord of mercy she was in more laughing fit than me ...... and the title is ALL SO RIGHT a Woman would have never done thatlol
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  11. #11
    SK22BB's Avatar
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    Ok my story was funny but not true, here's just a lil more then my story. SMH

    http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1132150912

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    Man are you for real? I once stuck a 9 volt battery on my dog's nose. I thought that's where you were going with your story.

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    Re: A woman would never do this...

    Hahaha...you're probably right...a woman would never do this!

    I had a hard enough time as a child placing a 9 volt battery on my tounge as a bet...I can't even imagine the pain a tazer would give...ouch!

    LMAO!!! That's too funny

  14. #14
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    Re: A woman would never do this...

    ughhhhh i bow to you, lmao you made my day !!!
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    Re: A woman would never do this...

    omfg...I could just picture that! As I was reading it, it reminded me of when the hubby had the son's "handheld bug zapper" (looks like a small tennis raquet), pushed both of the activation buttons, and touched it with his other hand. I think his "boys" did a little jumping too! I'm definitely never letting him even think of getting a tazer though! hehe

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