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Fathers then & now Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new ... IT & Business Pros forum

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    Re: Jokes

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    Fathers then & now

    Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

    In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

    Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

    In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

    Today, it's the size of his minivan.

    In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

    Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

    In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

    Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

    In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

    Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

    In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

    Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

    In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

    Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

    In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

    If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

    In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

    Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

    In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

    Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

    In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

    Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

    In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

    Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

    In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

    Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

    In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

    Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

    In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

    Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

    In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

    Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

    In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

    Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

    In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

    Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

    In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

    Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

    In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

    Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

    In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

    Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

    In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

    In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Helping your father

    A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

    "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

    "No thanks," said the young man.

    "My father wouldn't like it."

    "Don't be silly," the minister said.

    "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

    Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

    "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    New family driver

    Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

    "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

    "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    I Could Use a Little Money

    Dear Father,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.

    After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    And We Wonder Why Aliens Don't Visit Us...



    Alien Brooklyn Landing....
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Reasons to allow drinking at work

    The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

    1. It's an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    I get so drunk that I imagine things

    The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

    "A mongoose."

    "What for?"

    "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

    "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

    "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    The wife is not speaking to me

    A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

    After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

    He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

    He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

    "You got a problem, buddy?"

    "Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Someone stole things from me

    A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Cop wants an excuse

    A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

    Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

    The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

    The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Confuse traffic signs

    A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

    Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

    Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

    Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

    Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

    At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

    Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

    Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Were you drinking?

    A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

    The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    Woman is on a bus

    A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

    The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

    In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

    The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

    "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

    The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

    "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

    "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    THIS IS FUNNY BUT VERY TRUE!!!!

    You want children?

    Are You Ready for Children?

    Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

    Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

    Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

    Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

    Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

    Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

    Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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    Re: Jokes

    *LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FUNNY BUT OOOH SO TRUE*


    Evolution of Mom

    The Evolution of Mom

    Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

    Your Clothes -

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

    The Baby's Name -

    1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

    2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

    3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

    Preparing for the Birth -

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

    The Layette -

    1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

    Worries -

    1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

    2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

    3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

    Activities -

    1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

    2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

    3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

    Going Out -

    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

    At Home -

    1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

    2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

    3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
    A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.
    Maya Angelou

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