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A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating ... IT & Business Pros forum

  1. #31
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    Re: Jokes

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    A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
    HELP WANTED: Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
    bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
    Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
    The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
    The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
    By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
    The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

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    Re: Jokes

    Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
    "Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
    "How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
    With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop and ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

  3. #33
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    Re: Jokes

    Great Jokes Butterfly .. Love the jamacian ones
    Gina-Lisa James,
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Gina
    Great Jokes Butterfly .. Love the jamacian ones
    Thanks Gina! Just trying a ting!! I m from Jamaica born, raised and bred...so I m poking fun at myself...LOL

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    Re: Jokes

    A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the The Preacher, who turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus"? The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus"!
    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother"? The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found him"! By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the
    love of God have you found Jesus"? The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



    Coded
    Message
    After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
    Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game
    Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
    message:

    370HSSV-0773H

    Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
    no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

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    Re: Jokes

    That preacher joke made me laugh.

    Dunno if anyone here watches Americas Dumbest Criminals

    Police were doing a drugs bust on a trailer park.
    They asked this guy if they could enter his trailer. He asked why.
    The police replied "Are you growing illicit drugs?"
    The guy maybe misheard or misunderstood the question. He replies to the police officer "No, I'm a presbyterian!"

    You have to watch it. It's funnier than I can relate it on here.
    Working night shifts is the exact opposite of working day shifts. Only, I go home to have breakfast then sleep!

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    Re: Jokes

    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...


    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

    HUSBAND: (Audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: (Silence.....................)

    HUSBAND: "S**t."

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    Re: Jokes

    This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.

    After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
    He replies ... "More Blankets"

    After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
    He replies ... "More Food"

    After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
    He replies ... "I'm Leaving"

    The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

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    Re: Jokes

    The School Report
    Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

    Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

    Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

    That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

    The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

    Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

    Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."
    Last edited by butterfly2; 04-28-2006 at 03:57 AM.

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    Re: Jokes

    Who Is Stupid?
    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

  11. #41
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by irpnet
    That preacher joke made me laugh.

    Dunno if anyone here watches Americas Dumbest Criminals

    Police were doing a drugs bust on a trailer park.
    They asked this guy if they could enter his trailer. He asked why.
    The police replied "Are you growing illicit drugs?"
    The guy maybe misheard or misunderstood the question. He replies to the police officer "No, I'm a presbyterian!"

    You have to watch it. It's funnier than I can relate it on here.
    I used to love that show LOL

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    Re: Jokes

    Cab Driver
    A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

    "They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

    "C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

    After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

    "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

  13. #43
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Infinyte8
    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...


    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

    HUSBAND: (Audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: (Silence.....................)

    HUSBAND: "S**t."
    LMAO

  14. #44
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    Re: Jokes

    TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A JAMAICAN MAN SAY!
    1."No wifey, tek my car instead."
    2."Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
    3."She 'ave a nice body........but 'ar bottom too big."
    4."Wha'apen Mr.Deejay, you cyaah play some calypso?"
    5."Di pill doan gree wid mi wife so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
    6."No sweetie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffi drive all de way to Kingston and it dark and wet outside."
    7."Some ah mi closest friend dem gay."
    8."Size dont matter."
    9."Yeah mi eat under 2 foot table."
    10."Nuff Respect to Brian Lara."

    ******************************************

    ONLY IN JAMAICA.
    -citizens have to protect police from gunman.
    -you will have police cars parked at rum bars.
    -girls fat up themselves with fowl pill and bleach out them skin with toothpaste.
    -country people a carry water and wood pon dem head and cell phone pon dem waist.
    -the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.
    -you have bicycle-by shootings.
    -police go to arrest tief and dont have a handcuff.
    -is the greatest tourist attraction: RENT A DREAD!
    -traffic is so bad dat you reach work quicker walking than driving.
    -firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water to out the fire.
    You know you are in Jamaica when you have a pothole so big when you drop in, you caan come out.
    Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.
    [/FONT]

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    Re: Jokes

    Okay those are some funny word jokes, but I have a clip that ANY Pinstacker will laugh at.
    Just a little background info as most of you will not have heard of this guy (Rick Mercer - the comedian who filmed the clip) but he is a comedic genious. If you like this clip check out some of his others (note they may not make sense since they are based on Canadian occurances but what the heck?)
    Anyway.....I couldnt figure out how to post the clip itself so here is the link to the webpage and just click on the "BlackBerry Helmet - Watch Video" and it will pop a new window asking what format to play. It is only 45 seconds and FUNNY! So enjoy.....
    http://www.cbc.ca/mercerreport/

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